Women and Shame..."You decided the action...I will decide the reaction"

Before you read my blog, please go to this link:
http://www.upworthy.com/she-felt-him-reach-between-the-seats-and-grope-so-she-turned-on-her-camera-and-said-all-the-things?c=ufb1

I love Upworthy. That and TED talks are my new favorite thing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people make me think. I came across this post the other day. If you didn't watch the video, it went a little something like this:
A young woman was on an airplane. She was minding her own business when she felt the man sitting behind her reach through the seat and GROPE her. Not once, but twice. Yup...it happened.

Now stop and think about this for a minute. Statistically, there are more than a few of us out there who, unfortunately, have been in some version of this situation. Sexual or verbal abuse, catcalling, essentially any unwanted or unwarranted solicitation or contact from another person, probably male. I am one of those people. Now think about how you reacted to it. Did you cry out? Did you retaliate? Were you afraid? Did you keep your mouth shut and just move on? I kept quiet. I was scared. I was at war with myself for YEARS about it. It devastated me, and formed the way I handle any uncomfortable situation: I avoid it. Result? I had no voice, and couldn't make myself heard. It has affected every relationship I've ever had, and something I struggle with daily.

This woman did something remarkable. She stood up, turned on the video on her smartphone, and gave him the what for. In front of everyone on the plane. Now... she was speaking mostly in Farsi, but added in enough English to get the point across. This man thought he could touch her and just go on about his day. No repercussions, no responsibility for his actions. Her presence was reason enough to think this was ok. His expectation was that she would just sit there and take it- pretend that it wasn't happening. But then she stood up for herself, told him it wasn't acceptable, that he's the one who should be ashamed, not her. Bravo.

"You decided the action, I will decide the reaction." It's a simple statement, but very powerful. Why should we sit by and let things happen? Is it in the name of not making waves? Embarrassment? Ridicule? Why is it that our society immediately blames women for the abuse visited on them? It's not our fault. The shame and embarrassment of the behavior should fall on the abuser, not the victim.
This is what we need to teach our children... girls, and boys.

This woman was very lucky- she was in a public place, surrounded by people. In a different situation, things could have escalated. But she found her voice... and that is what this point is. We live in an age where we are not expected to accept personal responsibility. We can hide behind the internet and spout off about anything and everything without consequence. With a good lawyer and enough money and connections, you can get away with murder, literally. But I would like to think that we are also in a world where we can inspire each other and make each other stronger. I know this is a little heavy, but here's what I got from this: having a voice means finding your inner bitch (Thank you Linda Heeler!)- firing a client, expressing an opinion without fear or judgement, having the confidence in yourself and your life experience to pass it on and help others, wearing something that makes you feel sexy without worrying what message it might send, loving yourself and giving love to others, giving and earning respect.

I don't know this girls name- I will never meet her. If I could, I would give her a hug and thank her- she inspired me to continue to find my voice.

Wine Etiquette...or, It All Comes Out in the Wash

Over the course of my career as a Wineaux, I have hosted a lot of parties, and gone to a lot of parties. One of the things I love most about being a Wineaux, is that I get to come in contact with a lot of really great people. For the most part, hosts and guests alike are gracious and accommodating.

However… I have to talk about something that really irks me.

Growing up, one of the first things that my parents taught me was how to be a guest. There were just a few basic rules:
1. Never show up empty handed. If someone is gracious enough to open up their home to you, the very least you can do is to bring them a small token of thanks. When I was too small to do this for myself, my mother would usually send me with something homemade, like cookies or a jar of her homemade jam. As I got older, it was a trip to the wine store.
2. Always offer to help. It doesn't matter what they need help with. Your host may not need any help with anything, but you get major bonus points for asking.
3. If you're out somewhere, and you're hosted, always offer to help contribute to the bill. Never assume that you're going to be paid for. Again, your host will probably tell you no, but its always the right thing to do...
4. Dale Carnegie said it best: A compliment costs nothing, but means everything. If you are having a good time, say so. If the hosts home is decorated beautifully, or you just like a piece of their art, say so. If you aren't having a good time, say thanks anyway.
5. Send thanks- it could be a phone call or a card, but a recognition and thank you will mean a lot.


All that being said, I was at a Wineauxs event at someone's home, and we were all having a great time. All of the guests had brought a bottle of wine, as it tradition. There was a nice mix of veteran members and newbies, lots of great conversation, and the host put out a great spread of food. At the end of the night, people were starting to say their good byes and leave, and I saw a woman walk over to where all of the wine was, grab a bottle, and leave. I can only assume it was the bottle she brought, but still. It just really bothered me- the host had put out time and expense to open her home, feed all of us, and deal with cleaning up after, and this woman had the balls to take back her wine? RUDE. Anyway... I deleted her off the list. Am I wrong? Part of the deal with hosting is that you get to keep the leftover wine- whether it is opened or not. It off sets the cost of the food purchased, and is a nice thank you for hosting the event.

To me, it all comes out in the wash- if someone covers me when we're out, then I'll get them the next time. I don't worry about keeping score... its more about finding time to spend time with friends and having a good time.

What is a Wineaux?

Very simply, a Wineaux is a lover of wine. Not the stereotypical wino, staggering around with a brown bag in hand, rather a person dedicated to a life style centered around good food, wine, good people. The Wineauxs started in Charleston, SC... just a small group of girlfriends gathered together to drink wine and just be. Someone would host, open her home to the rest of us, prepare some food, and everyone else would show up with a bottle of wine in hand. The rest of the evening would involve good wine and conversation...and any wine left over (open or unopen) would stay with the host as a thank you and offset the cost of what she put out for food.

Over time, word about our gatherings spread, friends would bring friends, and soon we needed to expand our horizons and find bigger venues to have our Wineaux nights. We soon discovered that a lot of the women in our group owned their own businesses, and so we started having Wineaux events there. It was a great way to support each other, and build business, and continue to have fun at the same time. 

When I left Charleston and moved to Rochester, NY, I decided to revive the Wineaxus and add another "chapter"... so I started meeting women everywhere I went and would ask the same question: "You seem cool... wanna hang out and drink wine with me?" Now, we have a facebook page, and a large group of women who belong. Although the group activity has quieted down for a while (it seemed like getting together was becoming more and more difficult)... the desire and the attitude are still the same.

I guess you could sum up being a Wineaux as this... 
Living in a world that has become largely digital, it becomes more and more difficult to connect with each other... on a personal, human level. Facebook and other social media make it very easy to keep up with your friends, but in a voyeuristic sort of way. It's easy to get caught up in your own cocoon and forget about just hanging out.

So... how do you become a Wineaux?
1. Like wine.
2. Be sociable.
3. Do items 1 and 2 at the same time.

What do I like most about being a Wineaux?
It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, what you do for a living, how much money you make, or what circles you run around with. All that matters is that you are an individual. Whatever you have done, wherever you come from, you are unique, and that makes you a valuable member of the group. Your life experience is interesting, and your story needs to be heard. At the end of the day... we all put our pants on the same way. We all are born, and we will all die. I've been very lucky in the group of women that have become Wineauxs... I've been involved with groups that are clicky... something that I've never understood, and frankly, just don't don't have the time or patience for. What right does anyone have to exclude another person from their social circle? I like the fact that I can get together with my Wineauxs, and talk about anything... without judgement.

The other cool thing about being a Wineaux is that when you run into another Wineaux, you instantly have something to talk about. I will randomly run into women who recognize me from past events, and will universally thank me for starting the group, mostly because its a way to get them out of the house and meet new people. I think that's very cool.

SO... wanna be a Wineaux? 
Guess what... You already are :)